Sunday, February 19, 2012
I've come to realize that God gives perfect gifts, not just fun gifts. I know this seems like a no-brainer to many Christians, but I believe that I've lived my life with the expectation that God's plan in my life would be a marvelous Cinderella story. After brief uncomfort, everything in life would align for my pleasure. If you had asked me if this is what I believed I would have never had said this. It wasn't a philosophy fully defined, but rather a philosophy expressed through my disappointment that life doesn't always fall into my dreamscape. As those close to me know, Chad lost his job just previous to my first pregnancy and after a year of unemployment took a job as a car salesman during the most severe part of the recession. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and this experience had to be delayed because of the reality of our situation. Times were tough and I was angry. I was angry because I felt like surely God wanted me to be happy. I might have spiritualized the situation in my head and words, but in my heart I was resentful. I prayed and prayed to be rescued from our situation. God was silent. At least he was silent to providing opportunities to be at-home. He wasn't silent about his will that I glorify him, that I grow in maturity and love, and that I be obedient. He was silent about if we should move, if we should sell our home, if we should live on government assistance. One day I was reading and arguing with God and as I read, God reminded me that his plan doesn't revolve around me. I couldn't find a place that included my staying with my boys as a unalienable right. When I was reading thru Isaiah it talked of weeping mothers whose children were taken from them in upcoming battles. I thought of the faithful Christians overseas who have watched their children die from starvation. I know that many have begged God, pleaded, and been denied. Yet scripture tells us that God is the Father of Lights, who delights in his children. Every good and perfect gift comes from God. James 1:2 Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance must finish its work so we may be mature and complete NOT LACKING ANYTHING. Could it be that God let me feel the anxiety and the separation to help me? I've come to realize that my prayers are often childish and if their spirit could be revealed it would be something like this, "Pleeeeaaaaassse don't make me eat broccoli. I WANT A CUPCAKE...AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE, AND ICE CREAM..." Punctuated with kicks and me knocking my head against the floor. Instead of giving me what I've asked, he gives me better and hopefully with time I will enjoy its taste.